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TF2 ‘War’ Coming to an End

Team Fortress 2’s ‘War’ is coming to an end. ‘War’ is a an upcoming update to the game which is granted to the soldier and demoman, with one of the two classes getting a special weapon based on the highest number of kills of the other. The battles have been close with 5,727,928 Killed Soldiers to 5,742,720 Killed Demos in the week-long war. Besides the upcoming dual class update, TF2 will be free to play this weekend!

The ‘War’ has generated much killing and some truly inspiring propoganda.

So far the update is said to include:


– Eyelander Sword, and Chargin’ Targe shield

The Eyelander holds to a principle all one-eyed Scotsmen with no depth perception have known for years: you don’t kill a man by mucking about with rifles, arrows, rocks, or other long-distance rubbish. You kill him by grabbing the biggest bloody sword you can find, running up nice and close to him, and chopping the dumb bastard’s head off.

Made with pattern-welded Damascus steel, this melee-slot weapon offers a guaranteed decapitation with every killing blow. Unfortunately, because it’s haunted, it will suck away some of your soul: expect a decrease in your max health at the outset. However, once the blade feeds on neck, you’ll receive a boost in max health and speed. With each new protesting head you cleave (up to four), you’ll get healthier and faster.

The Eyelander will not deal critical hits unless used in conjunction with the Chargin’ Targe’s charge ability.

The Chargin’ Targe solves a centuries-old Scottish riddle, which is that shields exist. True, the shield might block the occasional sword blow. However, they are essentially weapons to be used for hiding behind, and this is a concept the average Scotsman does not understand. “If I were to pick up this cowering-plate, I would have to put down my second sword,” a Scotsman thinks. “And surely that is madness.” The Chargin’ Targe solves this riddle by turning the useless shield into a deadly weapon you can run at people with and then bludgeon to death.

The targe replaces your tried-and-true sticky bomb launcher, but offers some unique capabilities in return, especially when used with the Eyelander. Just equipping the Chargin’ Targe provides automatic +50% fire damage resistance and +65% blast damage resistance. But the Chargin’ Targe’s main perk lies in its name. Alt-firing will hurtle you toward an enemy at a punishingly damaging high speed (far faster than a Scout can manage).

Charging also boosts the lethality of your melee weapon. Land a melee hit during a medium length charge and you’ll be guaranteed a mini-crit. Land a hit during a long distance charge, and your victim will receive devastating full crit damage.

– The Scottish Resistance

Get your thinking pants on, because the Scottish Resistance is the thinking Demoman’s sticky bomb launcher. Trading offensive capability for increased defensive power, the SR can lay down twice as many sticky bombs, as well as destroy enemy sticky bombs.

But hold on, thinking fans—there’s more! The SR lets you detonate specific groups of bombs instead of having to set them off all at once. The SR detonates whichever group of bombs the player is looking at, letting you control which clusters blow, and when. You’ll be able to lay more traps and guard multiple areas at a time.

But all this awesome thinking man stuff comes at a price, just like real thinking. The SR is less useful for air-bursts and close range combat, thanks to longer priming rate (0.4 seconds) per bomb.

– 35 New Achievements


– The Direct Hit, rocket launcher

Nobody can deny that, measured solely by their ability to blow people into chunky clouds of tomato soup, rockets are an incredible force for good in the world. But with their wide blast radius, they are not a particularly terrific weapon for showing off your sharpshooting skills.

Until now. A high precision version of the standard-issue rocket launcher, the Direct Hit has been engineered from the ground up for Soldiers who have mastered the art of shooting at their targets instead of vaguely near them. Those of you looking to deal splash damage, stop reading now: the Direct Hit has a 70% smaller blast radius than a traditional rocket launcher. But the rockets that come out of this thing move fast and hit hard: 80% faster and with 25% more destructive force. Best of all, for you real sharpshooters, the Direct Hit guarantees mini-crits on airborne targets.

– The Equalizer, pickaxe


Back when your father and grandfather played Team Fortress 2, being bad at the game was so shameful, they would rage-quit (a lengthy, painful process that involved pulling burning coal from the computer’s furnace). Now, thanks to modern-day updates like these, there’s finally a good excuse. You didn’t misread that sentence: losing is now a strategy.

This melee-slot pickaxe becomes more deadly the more damage you take, letting you move faster and hit harder the more wounds you endure. Get close enough to death, and you will become Death himself.

– 35 New Achievements